Thank You, It’s Been Wonderful!

The day is here. Today, I make my last post on my “Why Did He Cheat?” blog. When I think back to why I decided to start this blog, I remember the sense of loneliness and desperation I felt. It had been 6-7 months since learning of my husband’s affair and my emotions were spiraling out of control. I needed to add something to all of my praying and Bible reading. I needed to open myself up to others and share what I was going through in hopes I could also help others who were experiencing the same pain.

So, online to wordpress.com I went to begin my journey of healing. That was the purpose—to work through my feelings, my thoughts and come to a point where I could put some things to rest. It has been an interesting and very blessed journey. I’ve met some special people along the way and have learned a lot of things about marriage, my husband, and most importantly about myself and my spiritual walk.

I’ve come to the point where it’s time to move on. I no longer want to give place to this tragedy in my life and marriage. Please understand, I still struggle from time to time with what’s happened, but I’m certainly in a better place today. I’m stronger and love myself more. It’s been a learning process, but I now truly understand God is with me every step of the way.

But, I’ve realized from all the blog entries I’ve written, I’ve never shared how I found out about my husband’s affair and what happened that day. So, here it goes on the anniversary of my discovery day or D-day as so many betrayed spouses and partners refer to it as, my story:

It’s was Sunday, February 20, 2011. I had only been working at my current job for a few months and was brand new to the city, where my husband and I had moved. But, in that amount of time, we’d found a great church home and I had really connected with a couple of co-workers as friends. My husband and I went to church that Sunday, as we had been doing. I’d just started a new schedule and no longer worked nights and weekends. Plus, I was going to my first brunch with the girls from my job right after church, so I was looking forward to the day.

Pastor had preached a great word about the woman who bled for 12 years. She trusted Jesus enough to stop her bleeding that she touched his garment as a testament of her faith. I wrote a little more about this in my “No More Bleeding” post (http://wp.me/p1RU2t-s). On my notes for that day’s sermon I wrote the words “Today, God will stop my bleeding!” It was a declaration I made because I was ready to walk in the purpose God had for my life. I didn’t realize those words would come to pass that evening.

After church, my husband and I went our separate ways. He went home to do some last-minute practicing for a gig he had that night. He’s a professional musician who also plays for the band at our church. I went to a restaurant to meet up with my friends for our first brunch. I had a really nice time getting to know the two young ladies. It was our first time meeting outside of work. I was hoping to get out of this slump I was in and do more than just go to work and go home. It was refreshing to hang-out and I knew it was the beginning of something special. I went home feeling empowered and excited about the future. Not long after I got home, my husband left for his show and I took a nap.

After sleeping for a few hours, I noticed my childhood friend back home who I will call “Kelly” left me a voice message. She had left a message a few days before, but I didn’t have the chance to call her back. So, after my nap, I decided to give her a call. Kelly told me she had something disturbing to share. My heart was beating so fast. I just wasn’t sure what to expect, but from her tone I knew it was something very serious. Kelly said she spoke to another mutual friend of ours back home who I will call “Dana.” She said Dana told her that she met a young woman on her new job. Dana said she didn’t know much about this new woman, but after a few weeks, the woman felt comfortable enough to confide in her. Dana said the woman told her about a relationship she was in and that the man was married. She said she’d been involved with this guy for a long time, but wasn’t sure how to get out of it. She showed Dana a picture of the guy. That guy was my husband!

Dana told Kelly that this woman shared things with her about my marriage only my husband could have told her. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing! I knew there was some truth to it, even though it was coming from a third-party. My friend, Kelly suggested I try going on Facebook to see what I could dig up and told me to call her later if I needed to talk. I hung up the phone with my heart racing even more at this point. I couldn’t contain myself and it was hard to sit still. I leaped from the bed where I was and went straight for the laptop to see what I could find.

The first thing I decided to do was check our phone records. It took some time for me to access them, because I’d never had a reason to do this before and didn’t know exactly where to look. Once I got a hold of them, I started looking at call logs dating back a few months and worked my way to the present. There was one number in particular that stood out, but this number didn’t have the area code I was expecting. The area code was a local number, where I was living at the moment!

Not only was I suspecting my husband of having an affair with a girl back home, but it looked like he was having an inappropriate relationship with someone here in the new city where we lived! I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t know what to believe. I called the number, no one picked up but the voice greeting played. It was a female voice and she was singing her outgoing message. I knew then this girl was a singer and was probably someone my husband was working with.

There was no controlling me at this point. I was like a ranging lunatic. I went on my husband’s Facebook page and looked up every woman who lived in the city where we now resided. There was one woman in particular who stood out. She was a singer and she had made a couple of comments on my husband’s page. She seemed like his type, physically anyway. She was light-skinned, talented and had a curvaceous figure, much like mine. I wasn’t sure, but she was certainly the one I zeroed in on as the possible “other woman.”

Once I had my evidence, I called my husband and told him he needed to come home when he was finished. I called him twice actually. He pressed me for more information, but I told him not to worry about it until he got home. At one point during one of those phone conversations I told him to “get his a– home.” I had never cursed my husband, never. He knew something was wrong.

The few hours I waited for him seemed like weeks. The time passed so slowly I couldn’t stand it. It was like I was waiting for someone to shoot me. I knew the bullet was coming, just not sure of exactly when.

Finally, when he came home and entered our bedroom.

“Who’s the bitch you’re messing around with?” I said to him.

“What?” he said.

I repeated the question and he hesitated and said “What?” again. I knew I had him. In that moment I knew my life would never be the same. When I asked him a third time he asked me who said something to me, what happened, but he wouldn’t come out and answer my question. Finally, he relented and told me the girl’s name. It was the same girl I had found on Facebook.

“I knew it,” I said.

Everything after that was a blur. I instantly went into crying fits as he tried to explain himself. He said a number of things like, he felt I didn’t want him anymore to I didn’t support his music career. I was devastated. I sat on the floor crying as he sat on the couch trying to talk. I didn’t want to hear anymore and told him to get his things and get out. I told him to go stay with his new “girl,” but he said “it’s not even like that.”

“What do you mean?” I asked.

“She lives with her parents.”

What? Really, I thought. This woman was a singer for a band in which he played. My husband moved to our new city two-months before me. It was part of our “transition plan.” In a two-month time span, he met and slept with this girl before I made the move to be with him. And, as if that wasn’t bad enough, he continued sleeping with this chick even after I made the move.

When I asked him about the lady back home, he adamantly denied sleeping with her. He said the only inappropriate thing he did was confide in her about some personal things in our marriage. He said he knew this woman was interested in him, but he never took it there sexually with her. He said after moving to our new city, he told her to stop calling him. He believes that’s what may have set her off and she took an opportunity through a mutual friend to expose him.

But, “the other woman” with who he did admit to cheating was very real. I didn’t kick him out that night and told him he could sleep in the living room because he had no money, nowhere to go and it was the middle of winter. Even after finding out what he did, I still had a heart to make sure he was okay. Even I’m amazed at my generosity and humanity for someone who killed my spirit.

I cried the whole night and had to call out of work the next day. He even got his mom on the phone for me to talk with her about what he did. My husband’s mom went through the same thing with his dad and she was a form of comfort. Well, as much as she could be for the news I’d just learned. She was just as disappointed in her son as I was. After being up all night crying, I called “the other woman” at exactly 7 that morning. She answered the phone with her sleepy voice, “Hello?”

“This is Mike’s wife. Stay the f*– away from my husband you slut. If you don’t, I will kick your a–,” is what I told her and hung up.”

After I was able to somewhat pull myself together, my husband and I talked that afternoon on our bed.  He felt we needed to get out of the house. I reluctantly agreed so we went to the mall, of all places. We walked in and out of stores and I actually purchased panties from Victoria’s Secret. I know it sounds a bit odd, but I felt unsexy and wanted to buy them. I can’t explain why I even cared how “sexy” I felt or looked, but I was immediately threatened by this other woman. I felt my husband loss attraction towards me and that’s why he cheated, so I purchased the panties.

After leaving the mall, we walked through the park and talked some more. He told me how he felt I was emotionally distant and not in the mood to make love to him. I shared with him that I was depressed about a year before we moved. It was a very open and honest discussion we shared. I knew I wanted to keep my marriage, but I just wasn’t sure how we were going to make it. The hurt feelings were just too raw, I thought.

That night I let my husband sleep in our bed and we made love. It was intense. Again, I knew these emotions came from a place of hurt, but desperation to prove to him I was who he wanted not her. Over the course of several months, our sex life was better than ever! There were times I couldn’t be intimate with him because I would have flashes of “them” together and couldn’t continue.

So, why did I decide to stay? I knew I still loved him and I knew with all of my heart and soul my husband still loved me very much. During the affair, I never had the gut instinct so many women talk about having when they’re being cheated on. My husband was still very much the doting, loving, caring husband he’s always been. He was still my biggest cheerleader and always had an encouraging word. Maybe I could have done better for him. However, I didn’t deserve to be cheated on and I was and am a very good wife who did her best to support and love her husband-through good and bad times. Unfortunately, there was a disconnect and some challenging times in our marriage. And, that can be the recipe for destruction. The enemy only needs a little space to creep in and try to take out what God put together. My husband and I understand what led to it, what happened and how to keep this from happening again.

I’ve learned so much in this past year and in the last 5 months I’ve had this blog. I’ve learned that with God, I really can do anything. Only He could bring me to a point of solidarity and strength. I began to take better care of myself physically. I now by myself nice things to wear (and my husband does too. However, he’s always done that). And, I go to the gym and run on a regular basis. I’m training for my second half-marathon that takes place next month!!

I also had to reach out to others in need in order to pick up the broken pieces and move on in my life. So, I began with writing this blog, for one. And, then I started becoming more involved with ministries at my church. It was during this time my pastor appointed me the leader over the teen ministry. It’s a very important position and such an honor for me! For the last five weeks, I’ve also conducted a women’s Bible study via conference call with some young ladies on Facebook. Very powerful stuff!!

This blog also put me in touch with author Shawn Lantz. She’s the one who I’ve referenced in my blog entries from time to time. When I knew I needed to pick up God’s word during my heartache, I turned to her workbook. Her husband some how came across one of my posts and connected us. It’s amazing how it happened and I know it was a divine appointment through God!

With all of this triumph and growth, I know in my heart the time has come for me to stop writing in this blog. We have to be careful how much time we give to certain things. Something that starts out as therapeutic can become a breeding ground for stunted-growth and re-hashing old hurts. I’m not discouraging others from writing about their pain. But, at some point you have to move to the next level and recognize your past hurt doesn’t have to be the precursor to everything you do from here on out. I no longer want to feed this pain with my daily writings of how bad it is. Because, what you feed grows and can fester into deep wounds that can last a lifetime. And, I don’t have that kind of time to give anymore!

What I hope others will learn from this blog and my experience is that adultery and infidelity is something that’s meant to destroy lives and literally take people out—spiritually and physically but mainly spiritually. If the enemy can get your heart and soul he’s got you. So, that’s why you have to fight something as tragic as infidelity spiritually. Counselors are great…reading self-help books are fine. But, it wasn’t until I decided to turn to God and really trust Him (and, not just with the words that came out of my mouth, but with my actions) that I began to find healing and solace. I was crying, kicking, screaming and at times sitting and doing nothing. I was fighting this in my flesh and with my mind. But, I had to understand this isn’t something you can fight in the natural. You’ll lose every time. I’m not super holy, but once I came into the knowledge of how to fight this successfully, my life changed for the better. Not because of the affair, but because of what God was able to do for me through this affair I am a better woman today.

I’m not the only courageous one in this situation. My husband is too. I can’t imagine it’s easy for anyone with a conscience doing something like this and deciding to stay and do the hard things it takes to make a broken marriage work. But, he’s truly been a champion. I’m sure with some of my reactions and “moments” (mostly justified of course…lol) he’s thought to himself: “I should just throw up my hands and walk away.” But, he’s truly loved me through it all. As bad as what he did was, it could have been worse. I could have been cheated on and had a husband walk out of the marriage with no qualms and no remorse. But, instead I had a man who recognized the travesty he caused and who realized he didn’t want to lose the best thing he had going in his life next to God and that was and is me!

To the readers, thank you for listening. I wish you nothing but God’s grace and mercy—and that is the best. Stay encouraged and know that there’s life after adultery. Just know the choice is yours to make. In life, we can’t control what happens to us, but we can control how we react to it. Be blessed and take care!